Someday

Colin Kaiser was a struggling butt rock musician from Prince Edward Island, a Canadian province perhaps best known for its potato farming. 

Though eager to break free from the family potato business, Colin’s musical career wasn’t taking off. His manager and childhood friend Emily Bottleton had a hunch as to why that might’ve been the case.

“I think you wear your influences too heavily on your sleeve,” she told him. “No offense, but you sound like a discount version of Nickelback.”

“Obviously,” Colin sarcastically retorted. “Nickelback is one of the greatest Canadian bands to hit the scene.”

“Colin, it’s 2022. No one likes Nickelback anymore. I’m not sure people liked them in 2001.”

“Bullshit! 2001 saw the release of Silver Side Up, which is an essential butt rock classic!”

“Released on September 11th, 2001,” Emily quipped under her breath.

“Come on! They couldn’t have predicted the devastating tragedy that was 9/11!”

“Look,” Emily sighed. “All I’m saying is maybe you should develop a fresh sound.”

“There’s nothing wrong with my sound!” Colin stressed. “Nickelback has sold more than 50 million albums worldwide. I should know; I check their Wikipedia page every day for updates!”

Emily rolled her eyes. The pair continued to argue until Colin abruptly left in a huff. While walking home, a pickup truck carrying a load of potatoes drove past him. One of the potatoes fell off the pickup truck and hit Colin directly in the forehead, knocking him out cold. 

Colin awoke on the side of the road several hours later. He brushed himself off and headed to a nearby pub. Once inside, he began to sing the Nickelback song “Someday” to a small crowd of barflies.

“Colin… what the actual fuck is that?” a disgusted barfly asked. 

“Nickelback,” Colin responded matter-of-factly.

“Nickelback?” another barfly replied with a cackle. “Sounds like the name of a Clydesdale!”

“Seriously, Colin, did you write that song?” a third barfly pried. “It’s got to be one of the most repulsive pieces I’ve ever heard.”

“Come on, guys,” Colin pleaded. “I already got enough shit from Emily today. You all know how much I love Nickelback.” 

“What the heck is Nickelback?” the barflies asked in unison. 

Colin’s face turned white. He quickly exited the bar and made a beeline for his apartment. 

Once home, Colin googled the phrase ‘Nickelback’ on his computer, only to come up empty-handed. He proceeded to search his closet for a newspaper from September 12th, 2001. This newspaper had covered the release of Silver Side Up. Upon retrieving the newspaper, he couldn’t find the article discussing the album’s release. The cover story detailing the tragedy of 9/11 was also nowhere to be found. 

Colin ultimately concluded that the blow from the potato had transported him into an alternate reality where Nickelback never existed, and the September 11th terrorist attacks never occurred. Seeing this as the perfect opportunity to jumpstart his music career, Colin decided to record Nickelback’s entire discography from memory and pass the music off as his own. 

Colin recorded several singles from Nickelback’s early catalog and sent them to Emily. She was less than impressed.

“Colin, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m not into any of this.”

“Trust me,” Colin stressed. “This is my moment. If you send this to a music producer, I guarantee I’ll get picked up for a full album.” 

“How about this: upload some tracks to SoundCloud. If they take off, we can go from there.”

Colin uploaded the songs “How You Remind Me” and “Photograph” to his SoundCloud account. Although critically panned, the songs garnered a lot of attention. Colin soon landed a contract with the record label EMI Canada. A tentative plan to release a full album soon followed.

Colin celebrated his victory with Emily over dinner.

“I’m happy for you, Colin, but I can’t for the life of me figure out the appeal of your music,” she confessed. “Critics ridicule it. The internet memes it to death. No one seems to be enjoying it, and yet, everyone can’t stop listening to it.”

“I think some people enjoy it,” Colin argued. 

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Emily humored him. “How’s the album coming along?”

Colin sighed. He was having a difficult time remembering Nickelback’s entire discography.

“I’ve got a little writer’s block right now,” he admitted. “But it’s all good. I’m traveling to Hanna, Alberta tomorrow, which should provide some inspiration.”  

“Huh. Why there of all places?”

Colin froze. Hanna was where Nickelback formed in the early nineties. He hoped to recall the lyrics of more songs when visiting the location. 

“Eh, you know,” he stammered. “It’s a nice, quiet town. Away from all the noise.”

“Right…” Emily sarcastically replied. “The deafening noise of Prince Edward Island.”

Colin laughed nervously.

The following day, Colin took a plane to Hanna, Alberta. Despite visiting several landmark locations from Nickelback’s inception, he couldn’t recall the rest of the band’s catalog. 

Emotionally exhausted, Colin felt captivated to crawl into a storm drain. He was startled to discover a homeless man drinking from a bottle of bourbon inside.

 “I’m so sorry,” Colin expressed. “I didn’t realize someone was living in here.”

The mysterious vagrant crawled forward. Upon examining the homeless man up close, Colin was shocked to discover it was none other than Chad Kroeger, the lead vocalist of Nickelback.

“Oh my god,” Colin whispered. “You’re Chad Kroeger!”

Elated, Colin embraced his hero. Chad was slightly taken aback by the gesture.

“Mr. Kroeger, you might not believe this, but in an alternate reality, you were a rockstar, and I was your biggest fan!”

“Huh,” Chad expressed emotionlessly. “That’s neat, I guess.”

“So, how the hell are you? Are you living a happy life?”

“Well, I used to drive a school bus,” Chad revealed. “Several DUI’s later, I wound up on the streets. Easy come, easy go.”

Chad proceeded to take a large swig of bourbon. Colin couldn’t help but feel responsible for Chad’s predicament. Affected by guilt, he decided to help his hero.

“Mr. Kroeger, would you come with me to Prince Edward Island and record a butt rock album?”

“Is that the potato place?” 

“Yeah, that’s the potato place.”

After a few seconds of contemplation, Chad shrugged his shoulders.

“Whatever,” he said indifferently. 

Back at Prince Edward Island, the duo recorded the rest of Nickelback’s discography. Chad’s presence helped Colin recover forgotten Nickelback songs from his memory. In return, Colin helped Chad discover his untapped musical talent. 

A few months passed. Colin was gearing up for his first live performance at the Commonwealth Stadium located in Edmonton, Alberta. The night of his concert, he and Emily observed the large crowd from backstage.

“Well, Colin, after months of analytical research, the appeal of your music is still a mystery to me,” Emily revealed. “I’m not even sure the crowd knows why they’re here.”  

“Thanks for the update,” a deflated Colin responded. “No matter, I’m giving it all up tonight.”

“What do you mean?” 

“You’ll see.”

Colin walked on stage and grabbed a microphone. The crowd greeted him with a mixture of boos, taunts, and laughter.

“I have a confession to make,” he expressed to the crowd. “I am from an alternate reality. In that reality, there was a band called Nickelback. Their leader was the great Chad Kroeger. Come on out here, Mr. Kroeger!”

Chad slowly shuffled on stage, bourbon in hand. The crowd of spectators couldn’t believe what they were witnessing. 

“This man right here is the true Nickelback,” Colin continued. “I forfeit all my fame and fortune to him. Long live the king of butt rock!”

Colin handed Chad a guitar and walked off stage. Chad placed his bottle of bourbon on the floor and went into an acoustic rendition of “Rockstar.” The crowd retaliated with mob violence. 

Backstage, Emily patted Colin on the back.

“I’m proud of you, Colin. You did the right thing.”

The pair looked on stage to see a drunken Chad Kroger belting his heart out while the crowd of spectators set fire to the stadium.

“Come on,” Colin said with a smile. “Let’s go home.”