7

When I was 7 years old I tried to hang myself for the first time
I floated in the air for a minute or two as everything slowly faded
In those moments right before the noose broke I felt joy because I wouldn’t have to be me anymore
Looking back I don’t think a child should be attempting suicide or be happy as they feel their soul escape their flesh
But what can I say? I mean I had been having my step-dad beat me, rape me, shove his fingers up my ass, shove me down to my knees in the basement and make me suck his dick for 3 years and he would do it for another 7 afterwards
The smell of his breath as he raped me forever lingers in my nostrils
A wandering ghost in its tomb

Not to include all this shit happening while my mother neglected me, never told anyone, never tried to stop my torture
She could hear the screams I know she could
The way she looked at me after one of the “lessons” as “he” called them
Her face was contorted into pure disgust at the sight of me
As if she would throw up just from the sight of my spoiled, rotten flesh

She still won’t acknowledge what was done in her house to me
She won’t acknowledge that I tried to kill myself 15 times from the ages of 7-14
When did you first try to kill yourself?
Hope it wasn’t as early as me
I pray you had it better

One of the worst things about these scars is they are permanent runes carved deep into me so I can never forget
And it’s not like you can run from your own body
Can’t shed my skin and run screaming out of my body
The body that was violated
The body that was taken away from me

I still have a hard time viewing myself as anything but a sex object to be exploited and discarded like empty heroin needles
In this body I can’t even fuck the people I want to when I want
All too often I’ll breakdown and remember him
Remember him smiling as I screamed
A smile dripping with the radioactive taint of Satan

I’ll never untangle all this barbed wire from my body
Even as it recedes
The marks left in my heart, mind and soul can never be erased
I’m not his but I’m not sure if I’m mine