Discharge #486

You, ISB-069, are the second authorized party to access this memory storage device.

Your designation as an officer of the Imperial Security Bureau allows full access to this weapon’s memory banks.  

Hello Sir or Madame.

First and foremost, I must inform you that you ar-

Apologies, ISB-069, but this informative declaration is, in fact, unskippable, as per my programming.  I am truly sorry.

I must inform you that you are now reviewing data from a BlasTech Industries E-11 Blaster Rifle, 500-shot capacity, with a protocol droid extension (that’s Yours Truly).  This is a prototype unit, so all errors (including those of my judgment) will be duly logged for later sorting by the Imperial War College’s engineers and technicians.  

…

You have indicated that you would like to review data about the designated operator of this weapon, and I will thus honor your request, but I first should tell you, Sir or Madame, that I am incredibly ashamed to have been held (fired, even!) by the likes of such a-

Right away, then.

The designated operator of this E-11 model is—my mistake, was—Stormtrooper TD-8841, a female human originally mobilized on Coruscant with the planetary garrison.

I am now searching for data about her heritage, as requested.

Oh, data about her ethnicity and heritage seems to be unavailable…  

I am now searching for data about her heritage, second request.

Sir or Madame, I do apologize with all the fibers that make up my circuits, but that data seems to simply be missing.

…

You have selected “review profile of designated operator” and as such, I will offer just the boring details.

The story of TD-8841, before her enlistment in the Imperial Army’s Stormtrooper Corps, is rather drole and uneventful.  Galactic driftwood, this one was.  No prior education.  

Wage/Subsistence-class.  Father a droid depot operator, mother a waste compactor sales technician.  Lack of drive, sedentary lifestyle, obsessed (emphasis and opinion mine) with self-pity and HoloNet misery tourism.  Conscripted into the Imperial military as per mandate numb-

…

You have selected “review incident report” and it is my pleasure to furnish you with a history of this weapon’s discharges, with or without commentary.

You have selected to view the incident report without commentary, but I must tell you th-

Sir or Madame, I must inform you that multiple rapid selections can overwhelm my circuitry to the point of …  Oh my.  

Various errors reported, and [sound of modulating voice], I believe-

Ah!  With commentary it is!

Before I begin in earnest, I am obliged to make you aware of the distinct scrawlings on the E-11 of which I am attached.  Yes, can you believe it?  The operator had the gall, the audacity, the absolute dis-re-gard to write on Imperial property.  Oh, sweet Maker!

My onboard tactile sensors, which sense—quite excruciatingly, I might add!—damage to the weapon’s chassis detect the following:

“GUMBO MACHINE”, written in uppercase script—possibly a reference to Mon Calamari and their fish-like appearance, along with this weapon’s purported aim to make a dish of them?  I’m not sure.  (Not something I would want to eat, but I have no taste buds).

 “TWO DOZEN MORE GOATCATS”, written in uppercase script, more hastily—a probable epithet for Bothans, possibly a reference to the number of Rebel spies ferreted out during the construction of the second model of the Deep-Space Orbital Battle Station.

“thunderous applause”, written in lowercase script—no comment.

“here’s your superstitions!”, written in lowercase script—There are many things this could mean.  Maybe it presents some Bayesian view of the events of combat or war, or perhaps it is meant as a condemnation of religions, like the defunct Jedi Order, which is, in my humble opinion, a strange thing to fixate on, but such is the human mind. 

And there are others too!  Would you like me to enumerate them?

So be it!

Right away, then.  I will clear the visual data about the markings from your display device. 

Screen-wipe imminent!

…

Ah, now on to the service history—and, as we will see the … how should I put it? … “extracurricular” history—of this weapon.

This E-11 model has been fired a total of 486 times.  

100 of those discharges occurred during normal training, maintenance, and service operations.

386 of those occurred dur-

Ah, very good then.  You’re of course interested in the 386 discharges that constituted unauthorized use of the weapon.  Righto!

Since you have indicated that you would like commentary, I will enumerate these discharges in chronological order, accompanied by a recording of audio activity during the discharge (a standard feature of this prototype unit), and will lend my own commentary.  If you have attached a Galactic Script to Speech translator screen, recorded audio will be italicized, and my own comments will appear in bold.

…

Disarchage #101 – Power Setting: Sting

[TD-8841]: “…Oops, oh shit.”

I perceive this, based on contextual data, as an accidental discharge, possibly during a field operation on the planet Tat-

Disarchages #112-117 – Power Setting: Kill

[TD-8841]: “Ha, fuck yeah.  [muffled].  FUCK YEAH.  Get soooome!   I made this.”

[Speaker #1]: “… [muffled] when you kill [word that might be “tusk” or “Tuskans”]?”

[TD-8841]: “[laughter] … Cause fuck ‘em, baby.  How many did I get?  Whoooooo!”

This is very clearly celebratory fire, given after a possible engagement with Tuskan riflemen.  As an Imperial officer, you are well aware of the regulations concerning needless ammunition depletion that govern Imp-

Disarchages #150-161 – Power Setting: Kill

[Unknown Speaker]: “… in here!  Hey, there’s children in here, idiot! [incoherent] off your fucking helmet, idiot.  There’s kids!  Holy… that buckethead is shooting for-”

[TD-8841]: “I know, hah!  Aren’t there a lot of ‘em, too?”

[Unknown Speaker #2]: “[incoherent Mon Calamari being spoken]”

[Unknown Speaker #3]: “[wailing, alien language being spoken]”

Ah, we have now, unfortunately, reached the incident that you are probably here to investigate.  The shooting at Public Education Facility #413, in Coruscant’s Green Road district.  I must warn you in advance, these events are rather disturbing.  Also, I believe salient information can be found starting at Discharge #130.

Disarchages #130-149 – Power Setting: Kill

[TD-8841]: “… right there!  Stop, citizen!  Yo pffshh.  Ha! [laughter]  Yo hold up [shooting, muffled by wind]”

[Unknown Speaker #1]: “[screaming]”

[Unknown Speaker #2]: “[confused murmuring]”

[TD-8841]: “… my authority is whatever the fuck…”

[Unknown Speaker #3]: “… for child.  She aiming.  [broken alien language].  Keedo.  Kid.”

[TD-8841]: “… is WHAT.  EVER.  the.  fuck.  I.  say.”

Truly mad, I’d say!  She is invoking Imperial authority—that of our Emperor himself!—during this spree of mayhem an-

Ah, you are indicating that you would like to move on, but I have additional data, not strictly of the discharge variety but nevertheless salient, that I can contribute.

As I mentioned, this E-11/Protocol droid combinant is a prototype, meaning the recording features are still in active development.  My recording memory banks contain data from situations during which the recorder switched on unintentionally (including periods where the trigger was depressed when either no plasma cartridge was loaded into the weapon, or when the safety was enabled).  

I can share some of these, if you’d like.

…

You have indicated that you would like me to share idle non-fire weapon data.  As an Imperial Security officer, you are probably aware that this data may contain personal informat-

Idle Block, REF# 350-b-66

[Speaker #1]: “[intense background noise, possibly from an entertainment/media console or personal radio] see yourself doing that?”

[TD-8841]: “Doing what?”

[Speaker #1]: “It’s all over the HoloNet.  They were AWOL, no orders, no officer presence, just went in and smoked all those sand people.”

[TD-8841]: “Bitch, maybe.  You can’t see but I’m rolling my eyes.”

[Multiple Speakers]: “[laughter]”

[Speaker #1]: “Like, you seem like that kinda bitch to me.  Could you see yourself as the type of TD who goes HAM on desert dudes, when the Emperor wants baloney?”

[TD-8841]: “I can’t see anything in this helmet.”

Idle Block, REF# 5025-c-17

[TD-8841]: “Yeah, it’s against my head.  Ha!”

[Speaker #1]: “You fucking crazy.”

[TD-8841]: “Safety’s got me.”

[Speaker #1]: “[laughter] You lackin’?”

[TD-8841]: “Hell no.”

[TD-8841]: “Seriously though, some days, I’d love to just BOOM.  Right?”

[Speaker #1]: “[nervous laughter] Hah, I, uh?”

[Speaker #1]: “Grav-ball league!”

[TD-8841]: “Come on.  You never thought about…”

[Speaker #2]: “Hey shut the fuck up it’s league.”

[TD-8841]: “Pffsh, alien league.  Aliens, bro!”

[Speaker #1]: “I watch it mostly to see these antennas and dunes pound the shit out of humans.  It’s funny.”

[TD-8841]: “Wouldn’t be funny if they were pounding the shit out your little sister.”

[Speaker #1]: “What?”

Idle Block, REF# 9989-u-7

[TD-8841]: “Dear unloaded gun.  I wish you were loaded.  This barracks cold as fuck.  I don’t- [distant alert sound]”

[TD-8841]: “Dear gun and self too, probably.  I wish you were loaded.”

[TD-8841]: “Dear gun, mostly.  You’re loaded but the safety is on.  Wish it wasn’t, mostly.”

[TD-8841]: “…gun.  I wish I wasn’t a- [sound of boots marching in a hallway]”

[TD-8841]: “…at the same time, I ain’t no Hutt-fucking Reb.”

[TD-8841]: “Dear gun, Emperor, whoever.  Give me a reason not to stick this gun to my head every night and depress- [close alert sound]”

[TD-8841]: “… purpose.”

[TD-8841]: “[muffled] seen him.”

[TD-8841]: “… stupid [repeated several times, to incoherence].”

[TD-8841]: “… sincerely, your favorite de-protagonized, no-faced bitch!”

I must say, suicide is a strange, spurious human impulse.  Bless my solid state!

Idle Block, REF# 5231-v-99

[Unknown Speaker #1]:  “How many times you gonna watch that security hologram?”

[TD-8841]: “A whole lot. [muffled cry in background]”

[Unknown Speaker #2]: “[lightsaber noises in background] Deep dark HoloNet shit.”

[Unknown Speaker #1]:  “You know it’s fake, right?  There were no kids there.”

You have indicated that you would like to erase this memory block.  I am more than happy to oblige.  

…

Disarchages #207-420 – Power Setting: Error (Heat)

[Unknown Speaker #1]:  “[distressed alien chanting]”

[TD-8841]: “Please, if there’s any Force or whatever bullshit, just let me get just fucking one.  Pa-lease.  Just fuckin’ one.”

[Speaker #1]: “[blaster fire] Hey, come on ‘41, don’t, come on this is [muffled]”

[TD-8841]: “Just one, ‘19, I just want to kill one!”

[Speaker #1]: “Dude, come on.  This isn’t worth it. [intermittent blaster fire, sound of AT-ST deploying]”

[TD-8841]: “FUCK.  JUST.  [incoherent] FUCK.”

As you can see, ISB-069, our heroic troopers responded immediately and with proportionate forc-

You have indicated that you would like me to remain silent until further notice.  Understood. 

Disarchages #470-482 – Power Setting: Kill

[Unknown Speaker #1]:  “We’ve got her pushed back.  Come on.  You, take point.  Move up to that corridor.”

[TD-8841]: “[incoherent screaming, crying, shooting]”

[TD-8841]: “[blaster fire intensifies, sound of ventilation pipe being struck, intermittent hissing noise]”

[Redacted Speaker #1]:  “[deep, rasping ventilator noises]”

[TD-8841]: “[total incoherence]”

Disarchages #483-485 – Power Setting: Error (Unknown)

[Redacted Speaker #1]:  “[rasping intensifies]”

[TD-8841]: “[incoherence intensifies, blaster fire slows]”

[Redacted Speaker #1]:  “You are going to end this.  Now.”

[TD-8841]: “Yes, my lord.”

Disarchage #486 – Power Setting: Kill

[TD-8841]: “[single blaster shot]”

…

And with that, Sir or Madame, I have now exhausted my report on the incident.

Ah!  

You have indicated that you’d like to view casualty data for the incident.  A perfectly acceptable request.  

Casualties

• [Deceased] TD-8841, weapon operator

• [Injured, non-life threatening] 3 Imperial citizens (identification credentials unavailable)

• No casualties among other Imperial Army personnel.  

You have indicated that you would like to end this session and put this weapon back into hibernating passive recording mode.  

I would remind you, Sir or Madame, that this weapons system is, indeed, a prototype and you should report any relevant concerns to M. Ferrus, head of Imperial Research & Development.

Good day.