shield

our lady of the flash scan: threat vs hassle, react vs ignore
never the police maybe an ambulance or tell someone else that’s it
get a witness to share the contamination with
shoulder roll, crazy person, what you gonna do

in vienna this woman got so wasted she tried to open a sliding door for ten minutes
couldn’t find a handle just blind kept on pushing the void
she was going to die I told two ladies on the terrace hey do you know her she needs help
them: yes and, how do you know she doesn’t have a disability huh
(as if they had convened on this talking point to validate non-intervention)
(psst daniela / yes krista / i’ve got this, watch)
and instead of saying the woman was clutching a vodka bottle, since the one angle to catch the glass in
the dark was mine and mine alone, i let it go
she spoke no word of german she made no sound in the hall
english? shook her head wan smile
plowing through the residence in a tornado stupor every night every day, you had to remain engaged on
climate collapse bulletins if you wanted to miss her swan dive five floors down below, broken brain
spilling on the compost trench

you can, in fact, kill yourself to death, several times over

i have general rules about the mentally ill because, if you wanna get technical
i was left on a spectrum, different doctors had different takes
[mortal danger to self, locate an office job] vs. [so, you would be happier if you lived in the country, or
a country? fair enough! who’s stopping you?]
i tell no soul
i look like the good ones do
i twirl in a maxi dress i wear regular shoes (no velcro) i got a haircut
i go silent i smoke i take long walks after dawn i’m fine
coping tools, self examination
if the needle moves too fast, back off, distance
(sure sure this is triggering an inappropriate emotional response, but also, sane-seeming people can be
wild, can they not?)
i get the ma’am treatment no question
i say: hello goodbye please thank you; eye contact, smile in moderation

i never ask what time is it, i wear a fifty franc plastic watch, you’re welcome
no one hailed me an ambulance in this many decades
yes i do what you might call antisocial stuff and here he comes again, our friend the spectrum

for instance: changing my name disappearing into the light of day,
shutting my phone off deactivating email accounts
allowing everyone to think i died
that’s not, as it happens, real life crazy person behavior,
i mean, sure, but there’s a logic
it’s a polar twist on a classic stomp-stomp-recoil sequence, hate to break it to you
two years from now i shall turn up once more, shake the picture loose, and i don’t think i will
not getting plastic surgery to alter the jaw line either
rock hard bones are worth your time on the face of the earth they’re the gold teeth you get born with
and besides:
i love my chances,
it’s cool to have a human shield

marinas

there’s a line between the cut (snap from reality: door slams, you’re outside hello) and, what if the
psychotic fugue state is the baseline

this woman, a stranger, showed up on location, she entered a conference hall she peed herself at two in
the afternoon
i demand justice! she screamed as they hauled her to the nearest hospital for mandatory evaluation
nearest hospital still a country hour away mind you
new day and she was back in town
back to claiming they made her lose the bus, they stole her project, they were sabotaging her every shot
at a creative life
and she didn’t even look that crazy! remove the mouth and you would mistake her for a marina
some niche, intense woman artist, cinematographer/writer/director, the whole deal
she wore cream white fishnet stockings, carried a sweet leather jacket when it cooled down at night,
tennis shoes for aesthetics
(a marina once advised me to move to belgrade in winter, since the city was lit and rent came cheap,
asylum level cheap – marinas do love their post-war crackle)
two weeks she haunted the village tried to sneak on set blazed past production staffers
gotta talk to you
every day a coin toss, is it worse if we call the police or if a man humors her, better yet: tries to get to
the bottom of this delirium
“her work had been stolen from her”: where’s the original fault line for the collapse
where’s the inciting incident
she got bounced from a border hotel because she didn’t pay the bill claimed a guest had stolen her stuff
(nonexistent) she laid siege to the crew she’d knock on any door at dawn,
let me in let me in gotta talk to you now

spare time was pain and gain on a burner phone, and after she moved on from us, maybe gunning for
another shoot, maybe surrendering to the alleged wealthy family at home, i only talked about it with the
color correction guy – that was her, one false move you know it’s gonna be us, we’re next,
they crack our codes they steal our blood
we could all be next
if we’re not
graceful

financial advice for beautiful women

this man i furiously covet, never asked him for money
or directions, or recipes,
a smile an upvote makes me proud, see?, i have value
the sorry sorry still swirling under the surface and it’s out

if you’re a woman you’re never too distant from being bought or liquidated or cashed out in a food
delivery or sold for parts
on the upside: your worth is measured by many different indicators
the looks you serve first – then potential future earnings, how do you stand in a setting (social,
domestic), previous accomplishments, ability to merge, porosity vs brilliance ratio, overall prestige you
bring as an item
la collezione

so funny that such an unremarkable man would own you
he was grabbing my thigh as he spoke of the difference between property and possession
can’t remember which was which
this must be a joke, a parlor game he’s just playing

lol no

the abuse, as canonized by non-ironic daytime television, started right when the buyer’s remorse kicked
in
faulty product had been acquired, some acts of retaliation against the industry were to be expected, you
can spit and punch to make it work, have at it, a crack on the head if the mouth slot doesn’t open

i see a billion content warnings for abusive language and objectification of women,
that’s what he said!

started conjuring up escapes but it was touch and go for a while
your average remark: brains aren’t part of the deal i see
because i had cherry lips and double-bounce hair despite being this unruly vacuum
you wanna dismantle a person down to the wires
tell them how little they’re worth
tell them nobody’s gonna want them again
they don’t deserve you
if she says, you don’t deserve me
you say: you don’t deserve me

i was also awake at all times, because the buyer didn’t believe in sleeping past six am and dogs barked
the night away in the courtyard (maybe overheated maybe unfed) and i should have padded to the dog
kennel and curled up in there might as well asked the dogs heyo ferals can we switch places but no that
didn’t occur to me
i’m packing a travel bag, flash-drop estimating what can be left behind as not to arouse suspicions vs.
what is necessary – charger phone atm card passport keys – any personal belongings that could be
activated to track me remotely or to access (x), (x) being my bank account, my family’s home etc
now i’m creeping out the bedroom turning around once twice we’re doing this be cool
the buyer’s made breakfast, pancakes used to be on the menu, poorly shaped and tasteless but you were
supposed to smile wide for the loving gesture!, and he’s staring at the wall behind me in white ray-gun
hate as he’s blasting, i shit you not, the quintessential breakup anthem
se telefonando io potessi dire basta, ti chiamerei
i’m like dude
i’m gonna outlive you so hard
the pleasure of desecrating your grave will be mine

until then, this one’s for all the beautiful women in the house, the rookies, the lifers and those on the
permanent verge of being declared done, stick a fork in it:
never tell men what you’re worth
never let any man take a look at any contract or deed or business document
mention you might have some savings and then shut the fuck up forever about it
never ask them a thing, this is super important!, not a bite off his plate
cultivate escape routes watch the fire doors, where?, anywhere you happen to be!
you need a clean getaway in your line of sight
seriously you need a burner phone

i have been coveted seven times over
i have been brought to one redemption store (that i know of)
i have been settled for in silent auctions and laid out in a red dress
i am sound of flesh unseen