Image by Matt Lawrence

Rosszlányok

Miklós Horthy went to orgies

János Kádár liked leather

Ferenc Szálasi was executed

for being vanilla

Imre Nagy died for the right

to fuck

Gyurcsány loses elections

because he’s faithful to his wife

Szél was laughed out of Parliament

because she couldn’t cum

every Hungarian woman has a

vibrator budget

she won’t jill off

without scented candles

and bath bombs

she’s not considered a real woman

until her first threesome

she dreams of horse cocks

from her racial memories

of the Kazakh steppe

circumcision is worse

than being a manlet

instead of saying “son of a bitch”

a Hungarian will call you

a “piece of cum”

if he’s really mad

he’ll say “lick my ass out”

they stole that from Mozart

and it’s the real reason

they miss the Habsburgs

there are sex shops

in the Budapest Metro

if you need lingerie

on your way home from work

prostitution is legal

strippers vote for Jobbik

and the border wall is manned

by retired porn stars

I know this for a fact

in Hungary

fascists fuck better

I was drinking with a fascist

he told me there was a club

that had unlimited booze

for only 10,000 Ft

I was sold

we got a cab to the suburbs

I paid the entrance fee

and the clerk

handed me a towel

and pointed

to the changing room

I said

“WHAT THE FUCK”

the secret

alt-right hangout

in Budapest

was a

swingers’

club

I stripped and went straight

to the bar

intent on getting every drop

out of that 10,000 Ft

the fascist met his uncle there

a heartwarming

family moment

as they tag teamed a chunky 6

with feta cheese thighs

the Székely Land flag

hung over the door

far out of reach

of any missed

money shots

I was approached by an accountant

with glasses and biceps

the kind of man women think of

when they say they like nerdy guys

he said “I’ll let you fuck my wife

but only if

I can

watch”

she was 20 pounds overweight

and biting her lip

staring at my hairy

man-tits

I thought about jumping

in the Danube

and never

coming up

instead, I chugged

my Dreher

and said

“sure”

she knew how to play

the part

at least

moaning mechanically

thrusting her hips

even translating “fuck me”

into English

in hopes of rescuing

my fading hard-on

every so often

I caught a glance

of her husband

in the corner

shucking his corncob

with peasant

efficiency

the bedroom was decked out

in Bronx crack house décor

complete with fake graffiti

and a neon sign

for that authentic

Times Square

1970’s

manslaughter

aesthetic

the remnants

of my

dignity

spilled out

on her

fat

cheeks

dribbling down

to her

pancake

titties

afterwards

the husband

offered me

a cigar

the wife said

she loved

how my balls

slapped

against her

clit

in perfect

rhythm

I had done my part

to undo Trianon

my hard dick

an instrument

of American

soft power

paying

reparations

for Woodrow Wilson

with my

cum

Trump will make me

ambassador

the U.S. embassy will

become a

whorehouse

Serbia will give back

Vojvodina

in exchange for

five orgasms a

week

Transylvania will revolt

because Romanian women

are dead fish

and the men

are premature

ejaculators

when the war with China

starts

I’ll lead the Magyars

into battle

with promises of

Asian GFs

the steppe nomads are back

the horse lords will reign supreme

over Beijing again

but this time

they will come from the West

and they will not wield arrows

or swords

but cock rings and

dildos

our Genghis Khan will own

a porn studio

his tree trunk penis

the envy of every

housewife

inceldom will become

a public health crisis

solved with sweet sixteens

at the local bordello

that’s the Hungarian way

a chicken in every pot

and a load in every

hole